Is it kind?

This quote first crossed my path a few years back:

Before you speak, let your words pass through three gates.
At the first gate, ask yourself "Is is true?"
At the second gate ask, "Is it necessary?"
At the third gate ask, "Is it kind?"
-Sufi Saying 

Immediately, I was very attracted to the quote, but as I tried to apply it, I had some trouble.  A dilemma arose when something felt true and necessary, but I knew, or at least thought I knew, that it would not be welcomed by the person to whom I needed to say it.  I struggled with the question:

"If the receiver doesn't want to hear it, can it still be kind?"

The way the scenario most often played out was that I hesitated to speak.  And in that hesitation, I did what so many of us do, I dished about it with friends.  What started as an innocent enough intention to just get a little feedback from my closest confidantes, ended up in a heavy load of judgement.  As I tossed "the problem" of what to do around in my own mind and shared it with others, I became weighed down by anxiety and the added thoughts helpfully contributed by my friends.  Pretty quickly, all this turned into a bunch of unkind feelings, making it impossible to pass through that third Sufi gate.

But today, life has given me a chance to see that there is another way.  When there is something true and necessary, right then and there is the choice: a choice to engage the heart in kindness.

Instead of seeking advice or talking about the situation as a problem, there is a simple question that I can ask myself:

"How can I present this necessary and true statement with kindness?"

As I write all this out, it feels so ridiculously simple.  So simple, and yet this way of compassion has eluded my slick mind for so many years.  It has felt easier to avoid saying anything at all than confront the possibility that something I needed to say might not be welcome.  I've confused disappointing someone with being unkind to them.

But today, as with everyday, there is a new chance to discover deeper compassion, to be more true, and to say what needs saying.