"I breathe in, I breathe out"

As I digested the horror of the Paris attacks with the rest of the world, my reaction was steeped in the thought, "Oh, shit.  Here we go with the violent retaliation, the "anything goes" spying, the easy doorway of acceptance for new policies that will create a stronger military world order."  And that chain of thought made me a little desperate to see countering perspectives, to see messages about unity, about being the peace we wish to see in the world, about retaliation just turning the next violent cycle.

And I had to dig deep, but I found this really lovely letter: Alexis' Letter about Peace.  It was heartening for me, reflective of my own sense that the work that's needed for peace is work for all of us, in our own hearts, in our own breath - in and out.

And then, I stumbled on this article: Gary Johnson-Isis, Refugees, Syria, Terror, and was a little more heartened to find a politician saying some things I feel myself, some things that make sense to me in relation to all this.  In 2012, my hope for Gary to get some traction and actually win the presidential election exploded, but I was let down.   I feel like gathering some hope again.

I, too, am 100%, a pacifist.

I know it's not a popular point of view, and in times like the present, pacifism gets such criticism as being weak, uncaring, and cooperating with evil.  But to me, that could not be further from the truth.  I'm all for being strong, for caring deeply, for trying to help, and for fervently disagreeing and opposing terrible acts of violence.  I'm even for self-defense as well, if one's not using a ridiculously broad definition of defense.

I just think it can be much simpler, if we slow down, breathe in and breathe out, and stop letting fear call the shots.

I say: send food, send education, send love; welcome children, welcome those who are suffering, welcome a new way forward; stop with the weapons, stop with the divisive hatred, stop with the messages written in blood.

Each Moment's Choice

I.

"It's so good to see you!" I say as I hug her, my voice wavering as I collect myself from the shock of how different she looks.  She's so thin, her face so sunken, and her teeth must still be in that cup on her nightstand.  She never walked around without them, but now, she doesn't seem to care at all how she looks.

She pushes me back.  "Do you have a car here?"

"Yeah, sure Grandmom.  I have a car, that's how I got here."

"Get me out of here."  She whispers with her head down.  Her gaze pierces me.  She angrily stares me down, and I feel this sharp closing in, like a tightening straight jacket on my entire body gripping tighter and tighter.  What the hell do I say?  Where could I take her?  I don't even live around here anymore, and my mom certainly doesn't want me to take her back there. Grandmom would just start in on her about how my mom should have her live there, not here.

I open my mouth, but nothing comes out.  I look around.  The TV set is louder than is comfortable, tuned in to some daytime drama.  A few wheelchairs parked in front, the people in them with distant stares, faces not even turned to look at the TV.  A few workers are gathered over near a desk, one with a scowl and hand on her hip, the other having a similar distant stare to the people in the wheelchairs, like it's just their bodies present in the scene, nothing else.  And as I'm taking it all in, I focus in on this weird smell, some blended scent of bleach, plastic, and human waste - deeply unpleasant when you really pay attention to it.

It sucks here.  No wonder she wants to get out.

I turn my face back to hers, mouth still open with no words coming out.

"Let's go!" she says, conspiratorially.  She lowers her voice, "now."  She pierces me again with that stare.

II.

"I can't, Grandmom."

I pause, hoping that this intensity in her will settle, so I can spend that quality time with her that I'd been planning during the drive over.

"Well, then get the fuck out of here."  She turns and starts walking toward a hallway out of this rec room where we've been standing.

"Grandmom, wait," I start to walk after here and gently place my arm on her shoulder.  "I came here to see you.  I miss you.  I want to spend time with you.  Can't we just sit down and talk?"

She briefly turns and looks into my eyes with a fire blazing.  "There's nothing to say if you don't want to help me.  Get out of here."

"I don't want to leave.  I want to spend time with you," I say to her back as she starts walking at an oddly fast pace for a 99 year old woman.  "Please, Grandma, wait."

She doesn't.  She keeps on, and I follow.

I follow her into her room, but she barely looks at me.  Her anger dissolves into despair, and then into an absence.  I keep trying to engage her, to tell her about my family, to ask her about her life, but she doesn't say a word.  Her eyes barely open, her face not turned toward me at all.

Eventually, I give up and walk to my car.  I get in it and drive away from what will turn out to be the last time that I see my grandmother.

II.a.

"Ah, ok, I guess.  Are you allowed to leave?"

She apparently only hears "ok" because she starts down the hallway that I'd just come down, walking so fast that I have to skip a few times just to catch up with her.  As we get closer to the door, a man approaches.

"Where are you going?" he asks with an authority in his tone that causes a fear grip on my rib cage.

My grandma ignores him and reaches for the door handle.  He grabs her aggressively by the shoulders.

Without even thinking, I push one of his hands off her shoulder.

"We're just talking a little walk, ok?  She wants some fresh air."

"Well, then you need to sign her out," he says starting to close the door in front of my grandma.  My grandma uses a little of her superhuman force and pulls against his hand to get the door open again.  He looks surprised.

"Sir, we'll just be right out here.  Can you just make a note that she's outside with her granddaughter, and we'll be back soon.  Thanks."

I help Grandmom push the door all the way open.  She gets her hunched over little body out the door, and I follow, with the man pursing his lips and watching from the vestibule.  My grandmother makes her way down that front walkway headed straight for the parking lot.

I chase after her. "Grandma, slow down.  That guy is going to grab you and make you go back in there if you don't slow down."

Her speed decreases slightly, but she doesn't turn her head up from the walkway and says, "which one is your car?"

"Grandma, he doesn't want us to leave.  We're just supposed to be walking around, getting fresh air."

"Where's you're car!!"

"It's  there!" I blurt, pointing at my mom's gold SUV.  The two of us take off running for the car, as I pull out the keys and unlock the doors.  As I help her up and into the front seat, I see the guard start running out the front door.

This Dukes of Hazard type excitement starts coursing through my veins as I practically leap over the front of the vehicle and throw my body into the front seat.  The guy is just reaching us when I get the car started and throw it in reverse.  His fist hits the car, just as I'm far enough out of the spot to put it in drive and hit the gas.  The huge car, so much bigger than I'm used to, shakes a bit as it starts to pick up some speed.  Noticing not a single car in the parking lot or the road ahead, I screech my way out into the street.

As I round the corner, I see the guy in my side mirror, arms down at his side, not walking, just staring at the car with this pissed off look.  My grandmother looks out the window at him.  It feels like he thinks his intimidating look is all that's needed to lure her back there.

I laugh, thinking he really has no idea how my feisty grandma works.  The harder she is pushed by someone, the harder she pushes back.  She's always been that way, and in this moment, I really appreciate that about her.

She lets out this cackle and smiles for the first time since I'd arrived.

Now that the chase is over, I notice my pumping heart beat, sweat, fast breathing.  I pull in a deep breath, and let it out with a huge sigh.

"Whoa, Grandma!  Not what I was expecting at all!"

She laughs again and settles back into her seat, not saying a thing.

....