Feeling like a caterpillar lately, while consuming its body weight many times over. Thankfully, I'm not actually subsisting on leaves and watching my body blow up to many times its original size, but still, I am feeling that bloated caterpillar sensation.
I'm overwhelmed by near constant consumption of information. There's all the different kinds of information I've been bringing in my whole life, just basically all the stuff that life itself imparts. But now included in all that living is an onslaught of texts, emails, and Facebook posts. Plus there's that deeply seductive bottomless pit of information: the Internet. My curiosities are instantly satiated, any idea researched into a plan, and any bored moment transformed into a fully entertained one.
Even though I really do like these ways that technology makes it easier to communicate and share, the thing is that I'm starting to notice less and less time to make my curiosities, ideas and open moments into creative actions. I spend more time pinning recipes on my Pinterest board than I do cooking. I'm taking screenshots of watercolor paintings I love instead of dusting off the brushes and playing with some paint myself. I'm reading other peoples' quotes and thoughts far more than I'm writing down any of my own.
And so, I've decided to try a little experiment in the hopes of bring the inflow of information and creative outflow into a better balance. I've deleted my Facebook account.
I have a habit of turning to Facebook to fill an empty moment, just a quick scroll through to see if anything catches my interest. Sometimes it's for a few second, sometimes for several minutes, but sometimes I'm spit out of the black hole with blurry eyes and that cracked out feeling of having no idea how long I was gone.
I'm not anti-Facebook or pledging to stay off forever because for the most part, I really do enjoy it and see its value in my life. I'm just noticing that this habit I've got is drying up a healthy boredom that used to lead me to some interesting places which I don't frequent as much anymore.
And so, the experiment starts now. This caterpillar is heading into hibernation of sorts, curling up into my own chrysalis to see what happens next.
Update 1: One week into my little experiment, and I'm liking the shift. A busy week at work has made me replace the Facebook checking habit with a work email checking habit. But still, I feel something starting to clear out a little. It's like the part of my mind that chews on drama, that thinks about what's happening out there and tries to feel out how I fit in it, that's the part of my mental process that feels like it's getting less air time. And it's nice. This waning feels in harmony with the leaves falling off the trees, the woods thinning closer to transparency, and the darkness falling earlier in the day.
It kind-of feels like when I was a kid - going in a closet and closing the door to make it really dark in there, dark enough so the glow-in-the-dark details on my new pair of sneakers would show. In this little metaphor, I feel like I'm in slow-motion, pulling that door closed.
Update 2: Week 2, and today I had the first surge of feeling like I wanted to get back on Facebook. With yesterday's tragic events in Paris, I wanted to log on and feel connected with the world community in the mourning and horror. I wanted to see people's posts and feel that momentary communion from our common feelings coming together in similar posts, in likes, in comments.
And there was also a strong interest in what other people were thinking, where their minds went after learning about the attack. Did the people I follow on Facebook agree with a need for swift and strong retaliation; Or was there maybe someone else that felt like me?
And then, I became so grateful not to be on Facebook right now.
More and more in recent years, I realize that I'm a high octane pacifist, a "militant pacifist," as Einstein put it. I don't really have nice manners or a soft tone; I'm not some sugary-sweet type that just wants everyone to get along. Rather, I vehemently disagree with the idea that the way to fight violence is with more violence.
Whether we call it an air strike or a terrorist attack, aren't they both sweeping violent actions taken in order to send a message? And doesn't the person on the receiving side of that message always hear something quite different than what was intended? Violence is the most ineffective tool for communication, and yet we, just like them, turn to it again and again to really get our message across.
I pray that the more enlightened parties in these violent conversations rise up to be the change we need in the world. To be the Peace we need.
To end my Facebook experiment update, the events in Paris highlighted to me a real beauty of social media - the safety check-ins, the way that grieving people around the world can unite in solidarity by logging in and sharing a few clicks, words, and pictures. It's so lovely in the face of such darkness, and I miss being a part of it today. And yet, I know that my big mouth often lands me in a debate when I try to share my perspective about things like this, so just maybe the most connected and loving place for me today is not on Facebook. Peace and love to all those impacted by the events in Paris, and May Peace Prevail on Earth.
Update 3: It's three weeks in, and a real shift has taken hold. At first, checking my work email on my phone replaced the FB habit, but this week I took the next step: deleting my work email from my phone. I don't really need it to do my job, but it'd become a way to keep a little part of myself at work much more than I needed to be.
So now, my phone and I aren't nearly as connected; the phone is just this practical device for necessary communications, instead of a little vacuum of attention and time.
And my relationship with news changed a bit this week. I've never been a big consumer of the news. There's so much spin, manipulation, and fear peddling in the information coming through the mainstream channels, and I've noticed how much it impacts my mood and general feelings of well-being. I used to force myself to sift through and try to stay informed, but at some point, I just let myself off the hook.
But FB was a channel I left open that kept me moderately engaged in the cycles of information spinning through the population. Since that channel has been shut down, while I happen to be quite interested in what happened in Paris and the response, I've been searching the news, targeting exactly what I'd like to know. And it's been interesting. I've found different information than I used to encounter, and I feel like I'm getting information more targeted to what I'd like to know, instead of spinning into an overwhelming abyss.
All in all, I'm loving this experiment right now. Any addictive withdrawal is complete, and new things do seem to be popping.
Last Update: Well, my little experiment has been over for a while now, so time for a conclusion. Honestly, it's nice being back. I really do like the ideas, images, and interactions that FB brings into my life, but I'm also aware of how easy it is for the balance to get completely thrown off, for it all to become a barrage of useless garbage or negativity. Moving forward, I think it's likely that I'll spring back and forth, on and off, always mindful of whether FB is a positive or negative influence on my current state of mind.